Obsessed with an Idiot

Hi!
    I should start by coming clean and telling you all that I have yet to start my diet and exercise plan that I spoke about yesterday....go ahead, judge me! Call me a fat, indecisive, fool! ha ha okay that was too much. Never mind my big vow to lose weight. I will begin when I am ready, I suppose. And when will that be Stell?? Oh god, I don't know, sheesh stop asking me!

   *Transitions into today's topic*  I always find myself obsessing over the wrong type of guys. I am 18 and still waiting for my first boyfriend. There, I said it! Is that a shame or a badge of honor? I think it's a good thing because it shows that I have morals and a high standard for my man. Ha! Sike, that just means that ain't nobodeh interested in my 'ol tired behind! I haven't met a guy that was genuinely interested in me. I hardly even speak to members of the opposite sex!

   I guess I chose to post about this today because I just got finished watching a few youtube videos published by my lasted obsession. Yes, I found his YT videos. Shame! I may be a bit of a stalker but I have learned a lot about him without having to have an awkward conversation. I say that I find myself obsessing over the wrong kind of guys because this latest one acts very verryyy stupid. He just has this dumb, stoner act thing going on. I hope that it is just an act, but I really do not know. He also has an affinity for the n-word! wth!? It is always something! I have seen him say it (a few minutes ago via the video and on twitter) *A quick fact, I sit next to him in class*...does he ever want to say it to my face? *Another quick fact, I am an African American woman* No matter if he smiles, or passes me the attendance sheet, he enjoys spewing out the racial slur. Which automatically makes him a terrible person, right?

  The worst part about it is that even though he isn't the best guy on any level, I feel like I'm not good enough for him! I always feel this way. When I think about it, I am always above the guys that I crush on. Not to be narcissistic, but it is true. I just can't seem to shake this 'not worthy' feeling. I know that I am a messy person, but at the same time I am 'gone with the wind' fabulous! I am trying to forget about this obvious fool of a person but I can't. There is something about his goofy face. ugh. I am a complete mess. I mean he seems nice enough but I am certain he views me as less than human although we chat a little in class. Will I ever feel better about myself when it comes to guys? I think I need communication experience, time, and the best kind of guy to involve myself with in order to tell.


The time we spend worrying would be better spent being happy. Smiles trump frowns, always.
-Stella